JUST

talking to you
so comfortable
Just talking
Sharing bits of my life
Hearing bits of yours
Feels so strange, getting
to know someone
like starting all over again
But I'm afraid, too.
Afraid of feeling too much
too soon.
I'm just so scared
of ruining everything
including my friendship
with you.
I don't want to plunge into
uncomfortable silences
silly grins
mutually not really knowing
what to say or do
don't want to be ruled
by immature emotions
don't want a passionate
love affair.
I just want to simply spend
some time with you.
Is that too much to ask for
without complications?
Is it?
Just some time.

1991

Index

Why.

So freely given
so pure, so honest
you wanted nothing in return
nothing but my tolerance.
I cannot imagine a reason why
Maybe its better not to try
But -
I don't understand
You love me - (me?)
yet you place no demands.
I have never known a love like this.
I am bereft of words
to tell you how I feel.
Maybe you know.
If I wanted the moon
And you took it from heaven
Placing it before me -
What could I say?
And yet
You gave me no knife.
No choice of blood, and anguish, and guilt.
You gave me time
Soft touches of reassurance
were sometimes more eloquent
than words of heart or pen.
Slowly you opened yourself to me
Slowly I'm trying to let you see
Just who I am.
But I'm afraid of giving too much -
I don't know how.
Maybe you are seeing anyway.
I cannot turn my back
on a love so perfect it made me weep.

1991

Index

Sing!
Shall I sing?
Shall I sing of you?
Of your dear familiar form
Next to mine in the dark
Like an arrow of God - not perfect
but beautiful, and strong, and graceful
You. In the dark your eyes glittered -
I smiled. You laughed softly
A shiver of happiness rushed up
to twitch my cheeks - happy to be with you
The length of you next to me
Just touching me comfortably
No passion, no fire
But a smile inside
A soft silver electricity
A sweet pulse where we
touched.
Touch - such a gift. Harder
to receive than give.
But I'm getting
better. Your gentleness -
like a cat stretching in the sun
Your spark - the firecracker
Unexpected and warm and bright
You - Just You -
Standing silent in the dark
Waiting.
Smiling with your eyes.
Sing?
How shall I sing?
I'm too inadequate to sing of you.

1991

Index

As I lie here
I think of you
I saw you yesterday
But I miss you already
What is this ache?
It won't go away
Obstinately stays
Renders me useless
Every part of me lifeless.
As I lie here
I remember how you held me
Gently.
I held you fiercely -
Did you feel it?
I want you to hold me again
Now.
Every part of me
remembers it - wants it.
I will see you tomorrow -
Hold me then?
Please?
Even though you
are yet here
It is not for long.
I was not prepared for this.
Didn't expect
to miss you like this.
This
was not part of the deal
This damned ache
This - this way I feel!

1992

Index

Trapped, a captive (Love at age 18)

Dear familiar floor, hold me up.
Lift me, for I cannot.
I lay me down on bed of melancholy
Under a blanket of blinding tears
I twist around
writhing
Hold my head, hands.
Hold me, Time, gently -
Muscles stretch and scream
Heart expands and screams silently
Roll over over, curl up into a wad
of aching humanity
A humanity of one
Time, you are not gentle
You are cruel
Cruel...
Floor, you only chafe me
Skin tingles, myriad pinpricks
Muscles tortuously pull
Pull in my limbs
Slowly
Shoulder blades contract
Stomach knotted
Gut restless
Heart restless, empty
Tears that throb
Behind my eyes
But will not fall
I am granted no release
Left, a shell, to somehow
Hold this sweet agony
I am given no other choice
There is nothing else
to Hold.

1992

Index

For both of you

Well yes -
I mean, really, Why should I
sit on top of a windy hill
at midnight
with you?
I don't know -
don't ask me.
I never asked to.
It just seems
to have turned out that way
Seems to, that is.
We all know
Who is behind this one.
Which is why we don't
fight it
But simply let it come
like mist over mountains to us.
The mistweaver
has not finished
with the tapestry of our lives.
So we remain still
watching him mix
all the colours
waiting
for him to show us
The beauty which we know
will come -
It cannot fail
Will come as surely
as dew dancing in the dawn.
All we must do is trust
and wait
and love,
Because of Him who
created love.

1992

Index

DROWNING

You took me with you
and we drowned together
Must be together - you and I.
Don't go up - Let me
hold you close as I fall.
Don't question
not even the smallest 'why' -
Just go
stripped and vulnerable
Kneel in the middle, alone
and offer to me
The fragments of yourself
the pieces of your heart
the bits of mind and soul
Look first to our Father.
Step back, child,
and let him make the pieces whole.
And when you are complete,
Look down:
Straight down through the air
And you will find me there
kneeling at your feet.
I will be there, you know I will.
Stripped and vulnerable.
Having not much to give
But the experience of my own
existence
And love like the sea.
Take it -
Close your eyes
and drown with me.

1992

Index

Flew down the hill at a rate to make your heart stop,
As if the car had wings,
With Creedence playing at ribcage-vibration level.
Sound streamed out of the windows,
fragmenting in the wind behind us as we
Barrelled through the hills
Like a bullet letting rip -
Laughter bubbled up inside me
And spilled out, colouring the cold night air.
He, holding my hand as he drove,
looked at me quizzically, but smiled
to know I was happy.

...

We pulled up, I turned the music down,
the street asleep in the warm suburban air.
Crept inside, barefoot over the
dew-wet grass.
I hugged him in the quiet house,
Held on around his shoulders
- felt so strong to my little white arms.
He leaned his head on mine,
saying wordlessly, 'You know I love you.'
Then I kissed him goodnight
and held him close one more time.

1992

Index

Skipping up to the doorstep
In the dark
Alone, tonight.
Opened the door
and started to shut it behind me
when a moment of stillness
enveloped me
Silence filled the air
so did the scent of you -
If I closed my eyes
I could have believed you were there.

1992

Index

Strangeness

Who are you?
I look at you and see
the eyes of a person
I used to know

Talking to you
Remembering
Talking to you
Communicating
on two different levels
only, this time,
We're on equal footing
The air is clear
Neither murky nor rose-coloured
We are two people
linked undeniably
yet not shackled to each other
or to the past.
And I'm glad we can
finally
talk.
I'm glad that wounds
that have lain so long, raw,
festering,
Are finally being tended.
I'm glad I can cry now
and the hopelessness is gone.
And I think I'm learning how
to extricate, though it's hard,
the knife I plunged, while looking
the other way,
into my soul.
Finally!

1992

Index

Just waiting, at the moment
just wondering, for now.
Waiting for life to catch up with me.

For a little while
life goes onto autopilot
even manufacturing
your personality for you, while
your soul
is curled away from the world
in embryonic solace
breathing softly
gently healing

1992

Index

Help me, Somebody -
Rescue me
I'm standing all alone
in this deserted fairground
where lies the wreckage of childhood
I can't do anything
about what's happening
It all seems to be beyond my control
which in a way is good -
but doesn't help me know
how to take all these shots
obliquely hitting me
chipping away at me
Please, don't make me come out -
I think it's been so long
I've forgotten how...
Oh, God, I know the
question is a cliché, but
why???
Do I have to come out - I don't know
if I can anymore
It hurts too much to try
And I'm just so afraid
Torn as I always am -
Closing the door and crushing
my own foot
just as I was getting up the courage
to go in, too...
Why must it be this way
Maybe just because
I've never known any other way...

1992

Index

Arching up to touch you
Expanding to the boundaries
of your mind
Shattering the defences
of your fortified soul:
Though it may be suicidal
I swear by all I believe in
I will teach you to love me.
You have no chance:
your will to resist
cannot compare to my need
to survive.

1992

Index

And the flames blow back for an instant
flashing me a shadowed glimpse of your face
Questions rise like billowed smoke
In the distance you're called
by the mountain peaks
the reasons have all run away
and I'm trying not to care but I'm failing
trembling with this song
stuck at an emotional bus stop
wondering whether you see the flipside
knowing the yes resounds
in the blind cave of intuition
spiralling flickers of desire
are obeying the rules this time
My God watches over me
I don't need to wail
the mountains still are distant
still you're called by a velvet voice
still the choices are yours
like mute birds of Thought, Memory
holding you aloft - something must
until you and your single wing
are saved by an embrace.

1992

Index